Being Your Best Advocate During an Interview: Part Three

During the program Intelligent Interviewing: Telling Your Story, Selling Yourself at the New York City Bar Association on October 14, 2009, panelists Lori Freudenberger, a legal recruitment consultant and former prosecutor, and Maureen M. Reid, principal of Maureen M. Reid, LLC, shared advice on how job hunters can tell their stories most effectively during interviews. They also provided tips on what to do after the interview, and how to continue looking for jobs and making yourself more marketable.

Always follow up with everyone. Ms. Reid stated that email is an acceptable way of following up because people respond to emails. However, she cautioned against sending the same cut and pasted thank you letter to everyone at the same firm or organization because such letters are often put into the applicants file and will be seen and compared. Ms. Freudenberger mentioned that a follow up wont turn a no into a yes, but it still reiterates your interest in the position.  Ms. Reid stated that it’s perfectly fine to ask an interviewer when you should follow up with them, but cautions that stalkers are not very well received and are generally ignored.

Utilize Your Networks. Both panelists stated that they have gotten the majority of their jobs through networking. Expand your networks. Let people know what you’re interested in and what you’re looking for. And realize that like anything, professional relationships must be nurtured and developed. You may not reap immediate rewards.

Continue developing yourself. Whether you’re currently working or unemployed, always look for ways to make yourself more marketable. Ms. Freudenberger advised one unemployed recent graduate wishing to practice criminal defense to volunteer at prosecutor’s offices. She advised another attendee wishing to switch practice areas to take relevant CLE courses and join bar association committees. Other examples include writing articles in newsletters and bulletins, taking on more of a variety of responsibilities at work, professional and extracurricular activities.

Behavioral interviewing.  Ms. Reid spoke about a type of interviewing that many employers use called “behavioral interviewing.” Behavioral interviewing seeks to discover how an individual would react in a situation by reviewing their past behaviors. The underlying premise of this interviewing style is that past performance is the best indicator of future performance. Rather than asking a hypothetical question, the interviewer asks you to give them an example of how you reacted when in a specific type of situation or when you’ve had to display a certain quality. For example, one interviewer may ask “Mr. Smith, how are your leadership skills” and Mr. Smith may say “My leadership skills are great. I always take the lead.” An interviewer may probe further to ask for examples, but Mr. Smith may just keep saying “I’m always a leader.” Another interviewer seeking the same information but employing the behavioral interviewing technique may ask the question in this way: “Mr. Smith, give me an example of when you’ve had to exhibit leadership skills. What did you do? How did you feel?” This technique forces the interviewee to be more specific. Employers sometimes tell interviewees in advance that they will be using this technique, but it’s something for which you should be prepared even if it’s not mentioned. 

This won’t be a surprise if you’ve followed the other tips given by Ms. Reid and Ms. Freudenberger: know your skill set, know what employers in general and your interviewer in particular are looking for, and have examples of how your skill set meets the employer’s needs. Ms. Reid pointed out that this type of interviewing style fosters a more conversational style during the interview, which is preferred. She also cautioned attendees not to make up stories during such an interview (or any interview). You know the old adage: liars need a good memory. If interviewers ask follow up questions and discover inconsistencies, you can say goodbye to a job offer and hello to a tarnished reputation because it’s a small world and the legal community is even smaller.

Parting Words. Ms. Freudenberger reminded the audience to:

• See yourself as a product
• Have your “elevator pitch” ready
• Know what your “value adds” are
• Articulate how you will be able to make the employer’s job easier if you are hired and how your skill set will help them
• Determine whether the vacant position is a new position or a replacement position
• Follow up, and
• Talk about salaries last.

Ms. Reid reminded job hunters that your next job doesn’t have to be your dream job or an “I should have known better job,” but it will add value. Many students graduate from law school with the dream of practicing in a certain area of law. However, your first job offer may not be in that area. All things happen in due time. For today, appreciate the ways in which a current job offer will help you achieve your long-term goals.  

Both panelists also reiterated that we all have a unique story to tell, and that the key is to find your story and tell it in the most compelling manner. Just as all future experiences will shape us, we are inevitably shaped by our past experiences. Draw upon the lessons and experiences from your past, and use them to advocate for your most important client: you!

So, what interview and job search tips do you have?

Being Your Best Advocate During an Interview: Part Two

During the program Intelligent Interviewing: Telling Your Story, Selling Yourself at the New York City Bar Association on October 14, 2009, panelists Lori Freudenberger, a career and legal recruitment consultant and former prosecutor, and Maureen M. Reid, principal of Maureen M. Reid, LLC, shared advice on how job hunters can tell their stories most effectively during interviews. The first installment, “Being Your Best Advocate During an Interview: Part One,” focused on how to determine what story you want to tell an employer and how to tell that story during an interview. Once you’ve told your story and shown that you possess the necessary technical skills for a job, there is still work to be done. Ms. Reid and Ms. Freudenberger also shared some of the “soft skills” that job hunters should cultivate and utilize, and highlighted unique roadblocks that certain types of job applicants may face.

Mind your manners. Ms. Reid reminded the audience that you are being interviewed from the moment you walk into the building where your interview will take place. Therefore, it is not advisable to be rude to the support staff and to then turn on the Mr. Congeniality persona when you meet the interviewers. News travels and they will find out. As Ms. Reid pointed out, “say good morning, good afternoon, and thank you.”

Many employers often take interviewees to lunch, dinner or on other social outings. Although the congenial and more relaxed atmosphere may tempt you to let your guard down, just say no. Don’t do it, please don’t do it. As Ms. Reid said, “They’re not your friends until they’re your friends.” You are not among friends. So, even if you are a foul mouthed, rude lush who eats with his hands, you should reserve such behavior for Saturday night out with your friends or dinner with the family. Remember that you are constantly being judged, assessed and critiqued and you need to be on your best behavior at all times.

You need to pass the “3 AM pizza test.” Ms. Reid recalled a hiring partner who once told her that candidates needed to pass the “3 AM pizza test.” He explained that if he was in the office at three in the morning eating pizza and working on a case rather than at home with his wife and kids, he needed to like the person with whom he was working. People want to work with people they like. Therefore, being a nice, friendly and interesting person (or a good actor) is important. Smile, be friendly, and be mindful of your body language so that an interviewer feels comfortable with you.

Check your ego at the door. More experienced attorneys who are job hunting may face the possibility of reporting to individuals who are significantly younger or less experienced than they are. In short, get over it or move on. Both panelists discouraged trying to convince the interviewer to reclassify the job as a more senior position. As stated by Ms. Reid, “the employer has already decided its budget for a particular job and already knows what it’s looking for.” Ms. Freudenberger emphasized that you do not want to appear antagonistic, and that it’s important to be humble and appear non-threatening if you are more experienced or older than your prospective supervisor.

You can overcome the Overqualified Candidate Syndrome. Experienced attorneys often face rejection or skepticism from employers who view them as too experienced. Many employers assume that the experienced attorney will get bored with the job or leave when the market gets better. Both panelists agreed that the best approach is to face these issues head on and talk about them with the interviewer. If an interviewer raises these concerns, candidates should reiterate their interest in the position and why they’re interested (besides needing a job), specify that they want to work for that particular firm or organization, and that they can do the job well, efficiently and with less supervision. Again, job hunters need to use their experience to their advantage and redirect the conversation to how they can help an employer achieve its goals or solve its problems.

Money matters, but paid bills matter more.  Many employers often ask candidates for their salary history and salary requirements. Ms. Reid and Ms. Freudenberger warned job hunters not to lie about their salary history, and cited instances in which job offers were revoked, even after the person showed up for work, because the candidate lied about their salary history. Although many people intentionally fail to list salary history and requirements because they don’t want to be automatically disqualified, Ms. Freudenberger discourages this “because it shows that you’re not following directions.” In order to allay your fears that an employer will reject you because your salary history or requirement is too high, both panelists recommended that candidates research the average salaries in particular job titles. Websites like www.nalp.org have numerous salary surveys. Candidates can also write “salary negotiable” when giving salary requirements.

If asked during an interview what your salary requirements are, the panelists said it’s perfectly fine to say “I want to be paid competitively within the marketplace for the work I’m doing.” However, many attorneys will face the possibility of making less money in a new position than they did in their old position. Compressed salaries is one of the side effects of our current economy and job hunters may have to accept a lower salary if they really want a particular job. If you’d have to take a pay cut in a new position, the panelists advised interviewees to say something like, “I may have made X amount in the past, but I understand that today’s economy has changed things.” However, both panelists agreed that it’s important not to short-change yourself and to research what others are getting paid for the same job. 

Both panelists agreed that you should not discuss salary until after an employer extends a job offer or brings it up. If there’s a possibility that the offering salary will be lower than what you made at a previous position, you should impress upon the interviewer that you don’t want the issue of salary to be a deciding factor or end discussions about your candidacy.  Be willing to negotiate. Both panelists agreed that it is advisable to let an interviewer know that you ’d like to continue the discussion after you’ve had a chance to weigh your options.

Stay tuned for “Being Your Best Advocate During an Interview: Part Three.”

 

Being Your Best Advocate During an Interview: Part One

On October 14, 2009, I attended a program titled Intelligent Interviewing: Telling Your Story, Selling Yourself at the New York City Bar Association. It was an excellent program, and one of the most useful programs I have attended in a while. In an economy that is so competitive, volatile and unpredictable that seasoned attorneys are applying for paralegal and secretarial positions, being smart and meeting a job posting’s minimum requirements are not enough to get you that dream job (or any job for that matter). You have to sell yourself by telling your story in the most compelling and persuasive manner. No matter what you may think, you do have a unique story to tell.

Panelists Lori Freudenberger, a former prosecutor, and Maureen M. Reid, principal of Maureen M. Reid, LLC, provided many useful tips on how to interview intelligently and purposefully. Both women are experts on what it takes to conduct a successful interview and job search. Ms. Freudenberger, a 1991 graduate of New York Law School, began her career as prosecutor at the Brooklyn District Attorney’s office. Since then, she has held a variety of career placement and administrative positions in law schools, and legal recruitment positions at law firms. Ms. Reid, who is not an attorney, was a human resources executive at several corporations and large New York City law firms. Some of their tips simply require a healthy dose of common sense (which is not always so common), and others will inspire job hunters to reprogram how they think of themselves and the job search process. Recent law school graduates, practicing attorneys who have been laid off, attorneys looking to switch practice areas and all other job hunters will find their advice to be invaluable.

Think of yourself as a client. When interviewing for a job, lawyers should not leave their advocacy hats at the door. The purpose of an interview is to demonstrate why you are the best candidate for the job. You have to highlight your strengths and skills, and provide the interviewer with evidence. The interview is not the time to be shy. It’s the time to toot your own horn. In order to overcome the difficulty that many people experience when faced with this task, Ms. Reid encourages job hunters to think of themselves in the third person. She noted that “as lawyers, you advocate for others. It’s easier to advocate for yourself when you think of yourself in the third person.” You are your most important client. How will you present your strongest case to the jury?

Know yourself and your “value add.” Ms. Freudenberger mentioned that you need to determine your “value add” or what value you can add to an employer’s bottom line. You need to assess your skill set and what you have to bring to the table. She then advised attendees to look at the job description, match it up to aspects of their skill set, and talk about this during the interview. During an interview, a candidate should be able to say “I have this experience, because at this job I did X, Y and Z.”

Do some research about the position for which you are applying. Ms. Freudenberger also recommended that job hunters research whether the vacant position is new or was previously held by someone else. If it’s a newly created position, candidates should find out what the company lacked that required them to create this new position. If a candidate would be replacing someone, she should find out whether the predecessor is still with the company and in another position, why that person left, and whether that person left voluntarily or involuntarily. Ms. Freudenberger pointed out that knowing this information will enable you to better tailor your interview and articulate why the employer should hire you.

Capitalize on your differences and uniqueness. Figure out what differentiates you from other candidates. What makes you unique or gives you a different perspective from other candidates? These experiences do not have to be law-related. For example, are you used to working with few resources or working independently? Did you do something before law school that broadened your perspective, exposed you to a particular subject matter or topic, or that was otherwise relevant to the vacant position? Did a former project provide you with transferable skills? One attendee took a two-year break to write a book. Although his book was not law-related, lawyers are required to write well and writing was his transferable skill. Perhaps a former job provided you with the insight necessary to better analyze certain situations? For example, Ms. Freudenberger explained how former prosecutors can leverage their prosecution experience when applying for criminal defense positions. She reminded the audience that “criminal defense lawyers don’t have a burden of proof when trying cases. They just need to poke holes in the prosecution’s case and point out weaknesses.” She further added that “former prosecutors make good defense attorneys because they know what has to be proved, and how to spot those weaknesses in a case.” Think about what you’ve done in your life and how you can use those experiences to differentiate yourself from other candidates. Be creative in telling your story. 

Have an “elevator pitch” and do not leave the interview without mentioning it. The panelists stated that you should have three main points you want to get across to the interviewer; three things that differentiate you from the other candidates. Ms. Freudenberger refers to these points as your “elevator pitch.” It’s short and to the point. Ms. Reid pointed out that interviewers often digress and talk about everything from the weather to the paintings on their office walls. If this happens, the interviewee must refocus the interviewer so that she can get her message across. The purpose of the interview is to get a job, not to meet your next hangout buddy or to get interior decorating advice. According to Ms. Reid, “You don’t want an interviewer to say, ‘Gee, I had a really nice conversation with that person but I don’t know enough about them to assess whether they’re a good fit for the job.’” Gently, but firmly, refocus the interview and get back to the topic of why you are the best one for the job. An unused “elevator pitch” is useless.

Show that you are more than the sum of your job tasks. Ms. Reid admonished job hunters to stop thinking of themselves as a collection of job tasks, and to instead think of themselves as a collection of accomplishments. She stated, “Don’t say what you do. Instead, say what you accomplished.” Ms. Reid used personal examples from her days as a Human Resources executive, such as “I’ve never been sued for wrongful termination” or “we’ve never lost a case under my watch.” Accomplishments do not necessarily have to be job-related or law-related. Look at your past jobs, internships, professional activities, and extracurricular activities and see what you’ve accomplished. Think about how success can be measured in those situations. Did you win a moot court competition? Did you start an organization or company? Did you have something published? Did you draft or negotiate a certain number of contracts? Did you try or settle a certain number of cases? How many cases have you won? Think about how you can quantify your accomplishments and talk about how those accomplishments relate to the job for which you are interviewing. 

Don’t make the interviewer work. Show, not tell. The panelists warned job hunters not to give “yes” or “no” answers. Giving such answers leads to blank stares and awkward silence, and forces the interviewer to scramble for another question. The interview should be conversational in style, and giving more detailed answers allows a more free flowing conversation to occur. The panelists also admonished against making general statements like “I’m a hard worker” or “I have great leadership skills,” because everyone will say they have these qualities when they’re looking for a job – even if it’s not true. In order to be taken seriously and viewed as sincere, you have to show that you have these qualities by providing examples.

Remember that all employers are looking for the same thing. The panelists pointed out that partners in law firms (and employers in general) are looking for certain qualities, and your job is to demonstrate that you have these qualities. All employers are looking for a problem solver and someone who has initiative, good judgment, resilience, leadership skills and the ability to work well with others. Look at your skill set and experiences, and figure out how you can use them to help an employer solve its problems. Come up with situations where you’ve taken the initiative, demonstrated good leadership and judgment, or had to be a team player. 

Stay tuned for “Being Your Best Advocate During an Interview: Part Two.”

A Grandmother’s Work is Never Done

I often ask God, Why? Why did He allow granny to develop Alzheimer’s? What did she ever do to deserve to be tormented so? To be slowly robbed of good memories and haunted by bad ones. To have her fierce independence stolen. Why? I still haven’t received an answer, and I continue my quest to make sense of it all. But, I’ve received some insight from the most unlikely of places.

 Maybe your grandmother let go because she knew her job was done. She raised you, lasted long enough to see you reach some major milestones in your life, and she knows you’ll be okay, a colleague once said to me.

I’d never thought of it in quite that way. Great, but I still want my old granny back, I thought. Besides, I’m not done growing up. Although I’ll soon be thirty-one, granny still tends to treat me as if I’m twelve years old. Get home before it gets dark. It’s too dangerous for you to be out in the streets by yourself, she often says. I don’t make matters any better, because I still enjoy granny’s hugs, head and back pats, and pep talks. I constantly remind her that I will always be her little Jo-Jo.    

However, my colleague’s epiphany made me reflect on the lessons granny has taught me through her words and actions. I began thinking of the ways in which she prepared me for this moment in time. How she prepared me to be the woman I am. How she taught me to be strong and independent. How she taught me to handle haunted lights. 

Last weekend, the lights on the first floor of our house started flickering. Open-mouthed, I stood still and looked at a lamp in the living room, thinking Maybe granny was right. Maybe our house really is haunted. Granny continued watching Oprah, completely unaware that we were about to be casualties in another bad horror film. The flickering finally stopped after a few moments. I relaxed and continued making dinner. And then sudden darkness. The lights had gone out, and the refrigerator had stopped running. Great. Now all the food’s gonna spoil and I forgot to buy new batteries for the flashlights, I thought.

I immediately ran down the stairs to our overcrowded basement to play around with the circuit breaker. I tiptoed through the darkness, bumping into boxes and hitting my leg on the side of a bed full of old clothes I swear I will one day fit back into. I blindly felt around for the light switch, slid the wall panel open, and opened the circuit breaker door. After staring at the ten switches on the circuit breaker for a few minutes, I let out a tormented noise comparable to the one I made on my clueless first day of law school. Some switches had tape on them, placed there years ago by my tape-addicted granny. Some of the switches were facing in opposite directions from the others. Just black switches with random numbers on them. What the heck am I supposed to do now?, I thought. And then I remembered to look to the right of the panel, where I found two pages of notes in my granny’s handwriting. The notes were dated August 3, 1995. Fourteen years ago, granny tested every switch on the circuit breaker panel, figured out which electrical outlet each one controlled, taped the ones that weren’t being used, and wrote down her own little guide. She even noted which way to flick the switches to turn them on and off, and posted labels beside some of the switches to indicate which outlet they controlled. This was a God send. I breathed a sigh of relief and whispered, Thank you so much granny!  I then flicked the switch for the haunted outlets until the lights came back on. Even the electrician, who came the next day, marveled at my granny’s electrical guide.

My granny has always been a rather impressive, independent, do-it-yourself woman. I’ve watched her lay tile, fix and tar roofs, peel paint from the ceiling, paint, and move refrigerators. And she left an electrical guide. I am nowhere near the woman she is, but I’m working on it.

Granny has spent my entire life paving the way for me and providing road maps to guide me on my journey. Even now, she continues to utter nuggets of truth and wisdom. At the most random moments, she’ll say something that makes me look at her and think, “Well, who told you to be the logical, sane one in the house? Where did that come from!” and then I say, Thank you granny and hug her. I still don’t understand why granny developed Alzheimer’s. I still think it’s one of nature’s injustices. But, I thank God everyday. I am thankful that I still have granny. I am thankful for the lessons she has taught me. And I am thankful for the lessons she still has to teach, and I still have to learn.

A friend recently asked me, Do you think your granny is still there?

Yes, she is, I replied. And what a woman she is!  

Mothers' Day 2009

(Single) Motherhood Is Hard, and Quite Frankly, Depressing

While grocery shopping a few months ago, granny and I ran into a former neighbor whom we’ve known since I was a little girl. After recounting her children’s marriages and grandchildren’s births, she waved her hand at me, shook her head and said, “I know you don’t have any kids.”

“How do you know?” I asked.

“Because you always said you didn’t want kids.”

“I actually said that at 10 and 11 years old?” I asked incredulously.

“Yup.”

I guess it’s safe to say that I have never been enamored with the idea of motherhood or childbirth, although I don’t know why I felt that way as a 10-year-old. At the ripe old age of 30, I am more reflective and self-aware. I’m more of a traditionalist when it comes to family structures. Having been raised by granny, I’d prefer to be married before having children. Why start out with life being more difficult? However, the high divorce rate in the U.S. suggests that I will most likely be divorced and single again. Add a child to the mix, and I will most likely be a single mother. Quite frankly, the thought of being a single mother is hard and depressing. Particularly when you have very little help or support, and much aggravation. I ought to know.  

Caring for granny is like being a mother. Cooking, cleaning, managing finances, coordinating her medical care, guiding her physical, mental and spiritual development, arranging for her care and supervision when I can’t be home, working, and maintaining my own sanity. Being completely responsible for someone else. Except, I didn’t plan for this. I don’t have a partner or network of doting loved ones. No one to send her to on weekends, during summers or holidays or when I just need a little breathing space. And I was spared the pain and discomfort of pregnancy and childbirth!

Finding a good home attendant is just like finding a decent baby sitter – nearly impossible. I am convinced that I will amass a few criminal charges in the near future if these home attendants do not quit irritating my last good nerve. Picture the headlines: Lawyer Arraigned for Death of Grandmother’s Home Attendant By Fruit Roll Up Lashing or Home Attendant Dies of Dehydration After Drinking Soda Laced With Ex-Lax or Home Attendant Beat to Death With Slab of BBQ Ribs, and Pans of Corn Bread and Mac & Cheese.  

 I’ve never travelled abroad. I’ve never been on a vacation with girlfriends or by myself. I can’t go away for a weekend. To an impromptu dinner with a friend who’s depressed about being fired. On a date, at least not a dinner date. Or to a family gathering out of town – because grannies, albeit cute, are not the same as little babies who stay put and sleep when you burp them and lay them over your shoulder. 

I am angry, frustrated and depressed because my life is on hold indefinitely. Yes, I am having a pity party as of late. There. I’ve said it. I’m restless, wanting to do more. Live more. Be more than the dutiful, loving, martyr granddaughter. I know that life moves quickly, waiting for no one – not even me, especially not me. I fear that I may wake up at 40, with great lipstick and book collections, and wonder where life went, wishing I had done more. I see, hear and feel my granny’s regrets. Regrets for not having been more carefree, adventurous and open to possibilities in her youth. My feelings of being boxed in and stagnant have produced moments of irrationality and impulsiveness. I actually considered applying for jobs in other states. A clearer head would have told me that it is impractical and unwise to pick up and move granny to another state that neither of us is familiar with or has friends/relatives in. It would be adventurous if I had only myself to worry about. Otherwise, it is simply wishful thinking. But, I need a change is all I can think.

I am not feeling like Superwoman or Queen Matriarch today. It’s overrated. Quite frankly, it’s hard and depressing.

Redemption Song by Bertice Berry: Food for the Soul

After an adventurous search, I finally bought and sat down to read the novel Redemption Song by Bertice Berry. In Redemption Song, Josephine and Ross locate a slave woman’s journal in a local bookstore. Part family history and part love story, the journal parallels these two characters’ lives in many ways. Although I enjoyed the story, it is the mother wit and sage advice sprinkled throughout Redemption Song that has stayed with me. Here are some of my favorite passages from the book:

1. “The trick to getting what you want in life is all about balance. You have to first understand the difference between needs and wants. You have to work on what you need, and balance your life so that when you get what you want, you don’t go making another list of needs.” Pg. 49
2. “The most radical thing that he or any other black man could do was to love a black woman . . . .” pgs. 55-56.
3. “Most people go through their entire life working day in and day out, completely happy in the simplicity of paying bills. The idea that they are here for something greater barely crosses their minds. On the rare occasion when these people allow themselves to dream and imagine what their lives could really be like if they took a risk, there is usually someone there to remind them that dreams don’t come true. These people never find their purpose, their calling. These are the folks whose grandchildren and great-grandchildren are burdened with the unfulfilled longings of their ancestors . . . [T]hat ‘vicious cycle’ [authors often debate about is] just a fancy way of saying ‘generational curse.’” Pg. 66.
4. “Ross thought of all the women he knew who’d been raped or molested. For a while it seemed like an epidemic. Every other woman he came in contact with held that secret baggage; but the bags hadn’t been packed by some slave master or someone of a different color, it was usually a relative, close family friend, or sometimes, it was a boyfriend or husband. Ross was beginning to understand the personal pain that black women carried. They were still nursing the scars of ancestors who’d never known safety.” Pg. 84.
5. “When we make the choice to live within the purpose that we were designed for, we collect fewer things. But we admire many more.” Pg. 96

Sunday Scribblings: #147 – Phantoms & Shadows

“Have you ever been sexually molested or raped,” the female nurse practitioner asked me.

 

Silence. And then I began to cry. Weep. Sob. Uncontrollably. Hysterically. It was as if a floodgate had opened, allowing a waterfall of emotions and words previously buried and forgotten to barge full-speed ahead.

 

Granny sat there bewildered and afraid, before the nurse practitioner asked her to leave the room. I had never told granny. The intern had a Damn, medical school didn’t cover this look on her face, before she too left the office. She returned with some Kleenex and a hug.

 

I’m here because of bronchitis. What does my past have to do with anything? Who asks such questions during a doctor’s visit anyway?

 

No one had ever asked me that before. I had certainly never discussed it with granny or strangers. Up to that day, I had only told an ex-boyfriend and friend about what had happened to me, over and over. But, never too many details. No need to complicate matters.

 

“Did he penetrate you?”

 

“I don’t know. I don’t remember.”

 

Repressed memories. I used to think they were a bunch of hocus pocus. Psychobabble. Until I began remembering. No matter how far away your memories are, you never escape them. You never truly forget. They sneak up on you at the most inopportune times, causing unexpected and uncontrollable reactions. Reminding you that you are vulnerable, fragile, and not as tough as you thought. Reminding you that evil does exist.  

 

Like the time I sat on the phone venting to a friend about a boyfriend. The memories and the pain came from nowhere. Or, so I thought. The memories came so hard that I put the phone down, rolled into a fetal position on my bed and cried. Gut-wrenching, snot-flying, headache-inducing, loud, unashamed sobs. When I picked the phone back up, my friend was still there. And then I went on with life. And I forgot. Until that day in the medical office almost six years ago.

 

I remembered again. I see my bedroom. It is dimly lit. I am lying on a bed. I don’t remember how old I am, but I am young enough to still need a baby sitter. He is on top of me. The baby sitter. The neighbor. The family friend. I am wearing a nightgown. It is white flannel with some design on it. His face is a blur of unrecognizable features. I know that he is tall, big, and dark. I remember darkness. Silence. Stillness. Like a snap shot. Frozen in time.

 

I know who he is. I know who they are. I won’t forget again. My memories finally caught up to me.

 

He is but one of several. I am but one of many. Of millions.

 

Why?

 

Why did he do it?

 

Why is my story all too common? Why are millions of little girls silently lying still and stunned beneath strangers, family friends, relatives and people who are supposed to protect them? Why are little girls unsafe in this world? Why are little girls searching for the memories that invade their dreams and psyches? Memories that will change and haunt them in ways they’ll never know.

 

Why? 

It’s a New Day: Barack Hussein Obama Becomes the First African-American President of the United States of America

President Obama became the 44th President of the United States of American on January 20, 2009

 

President Barack Hussein Obama 2009 Inauguration and Address

 

For the second time in my adult life, I am really proud to be an American. The first time was in the aftermath of 9/11, when people of all races, religions, socioeconomic strata, political ideologies and backgrounds banded together to search for, rescue, help, and encourage those affected by the terrorist attacks. When patriotism and a shared humanity were the glue that united us against a common enemy.

 

The question has often been asked, Can an African-American be President? But, there has never been any doubt about whether an African-American could possess the intelligence, qualifications and character to rival even the best – and worst – of any past American President. Rather, the underlying question really was, Can America move beyond its deeply rooted, historical prejudices long enough and far enough to elect an African-American as President?

 

Until November 4, 2008, the answer for many was a resounding No. And then we became cautiously optimistic. And then we did. We got over ourselves long enough to elect a Black man whose middle name is Hussein. We saw past the fear mongering and the battle of the victims. We tapped into our shared humanity, concerns and priorities. We recognized the many splendid faces of patriotism. We were inspired. We made history. We elected Barack Hussein Obama. It’s a new day.

will.i.am’s It’s A New Day Video

Happy Birthday Dr. King!

January 15, 1929 – April 4, 1968

 

Dr. King’s I Have a Dream Speech

 

2009 New Year’s Resolutions

What would a new year be without New Year’s Resolutions? Exactly. So, here’s my list:

 

1. The obvious – lose weight and get in shape. What would a New Year’s Resolution list be without this one?
2. Get more serious about writing – blog more often, pick one or two of my fifty million writing ideas and work on them consistently, establish a writing schedule, and look for freelance writing assignments. One of my co-workers always tells me that he wants to write a book before he dies. When he repeated the same thing the day after New Year’s, so I took out my calendar and set a two week deadline for the both of us to come up with a story idea and the beginnings of an outline. I also told him that I’d beat him down if he didn’t have this done by January 16, 2009. He said he was genuinely afraid of me, and agreed to my idea. Let’s see how afraid he really is.
3. Improve my time management. I’m not that 19-year-old college student anymore. I do not like pulling all-nighters, wearing the same clothes and sitting in front of the computer for several days at a time, and have outgrown Mountain Dew soda and Vanilla Wafers. I need my beauty sleep.  
4. De-Clutter. Why do I still have a spelling test from first grade? Or notes from a college archaeology class? Why are my books and lipsticks the most organized aspects of my life? Something is wrong with that picture.  
5. Set and achieve financial goals.
6. Learn to drive. Hey, I’m a New Yorker. What do you expect?
7. Get a life. Get out more. Go on dates. Do the things I enjoy, even if I do them alone. Try new things. Just move from in front of my computer and breathe some fresh air.
8. Take care of me. Get a pedicure. Read a book. Write in my journal. Go shopping. Turn off or ignore my cell phone. Take a nap. Follow up on those doctors’ appointments I’ve been putting off. Sister C always tells me, “Girl I done told you. Stop being a martyr.” My granny, work, and bar association commitments often leave me running around in circles on most days. I also have a habit of volunteering for any and everything other folks may need: program planner, secretary, therapist, pro bono attorney, ATM machine, and hotel keeper just to name a few. Last week, one of those television preachers did a demonstration that was rather enlightening. He told a woman in the audience to stand up and give him everything in her wallet. After she had done so, he then asked her for $5. She replied, “I can’t. I already gave you everything I have.” When you give away everything you have, there’s nothing left to give – even to yourself.

If I’m not my best self, who will take care of granny?